I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
