I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .