Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
