he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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