I wish my penis had an off switch
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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