Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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