do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i out mim tonsoeep
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
