I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
