it's too hot outside to masturbate.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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