When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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