Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
