i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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