if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
