a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
