You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
did you just send me my own nude
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
