It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
