I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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