The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
