Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
ok first of all what the fuck
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
