I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
