I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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