thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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