There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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