I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
