Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
