we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
