I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
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Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
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Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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