and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
