Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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