You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
he shaved USA in his pubs
She just used a chaser for red wine.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
