woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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