Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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