Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
