Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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