My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
