HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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