i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Pants are for mortals
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
