I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
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Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
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The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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