Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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