Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Is it penis luge time yet?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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