i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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