I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
