if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
