her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
