it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
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stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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