umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
