he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
