He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize