a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
