I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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