You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
