Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
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let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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