Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
