Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
