Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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