Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
