Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
