Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
