Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
