i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
